Been winding up sad every night lately, maybe the tension of everything is getting to me... almost nothing seems to help. Damn, i feel weak...

Had first training session today. rox. finally. Was really tired, can tell my fitness is damn fricking low.. not good. will have to make vast improvements fast. Anyway, realised that this bunch of ballers can never be the same as the ri bunch.. we were a special batch.. a good mix of ppl.. but all crazy fellows... Now, in rj, only 2 of us came. damn, everyone here thinks they are damn good.. wtf, and everyone wants to be captains.. can't stand it.. like are you sure you can do it?... do you really understand what's going on? sheesh... Went parkway for lunch with parents.. realised i haven't been there in a while, though when i was smaller, my family would go there almost every weekend.. cuz it's close to our home.. spent some great times there, and of course some not-so-good times too.. Practically slept the remainder of the afternoon away... Then, picked up enzyme notes.. i remember reading them before.. but looked quite alien to me... arrgh, in deep shit.

It is a painful experience to hate myself.

It really hurts me real bad..

I don noe.. been feeling crazy, no good since it's affecting my studies.. want to get it off my chest.. HELP
been feeling tinges of sadness.. much more than tinge..

wow.. better type somthing or i'll miss a day..ha
anyway, was quite a depressing day for some parts of today really down... went totally down... and slightly up.. i'm crapping... no, it's not crap.. juz the truth in a warped sense... anyway, told myself i would mug for the tests next week.. so went library to study, like a good student would.. then i was feeling shitty, so started eating m&ms. i was like alone, so no one to warn me.. the teacher librarian came up to me and scrwed me, took down my name... and asked me to siam off. fuck her... then went to play bballl to fa1 xie4.. so got a few stuffs..(blocks).. felt good. and went to dance night.. was quite good actually.. but a little short.. not to mention i couldn't see half the time and half the stage.. cuz could only see heads...sheesh.. then went home feeling completely confused.. was thinking throughout the ride home.. in silence... and thot i had to do seomthing... was really psyched up.. and then... sigh.. will talk bout it another day.. realised i couldn't drag any longer...

Shit, why do i get the feeling that we're drifting apart... i even find myself avoiding.. hate myself to doing that.. why? i ask myself...
I give others advice when they need it.. but it's impossible to apply to myself.. sheesh... not too bad i hope...
I find myself depending on certain things to get through the days.. hmm

More and more often, i find myself thinking, what am i doing with my life?

Ha, my class finally got attire check today.. turned out quite bad... stupid teacher, say my hair too long.. wat nonsense.. crap lah, din't plan to cut till june hols... looks like i have to now.. shit lah.
never mind, juz realise i lost my friend's lecture notes.. borrowed to photocopy, then misplaced it before pe.. shit..
also, today i din go pe, went play ball, then the teacher was like looking for me.. shit, nearly got my classmates into shit.. wat is happening to me?? shit. shit. shit.
today was like one of the days where everyone was damn tired.. maybe cuz it's a long day.. but it doesn't help that the person next to you is like a walking zombie.. juz like everyone else.. they should ban long days man.. on inhumane grounds.. rite... anyway, haven't touched my chem and phy tutorials which i have tomorrow.. i'm dead.. the teachers might kill... hope not.. am i like giving up on the tests next week? sux.. bad..
yeah, basketball training on this sat.. rox.. but not looking forward to having to hang out with those ppl.. but to tell the truth, i wasn't quite close to the bballers in sec sch anyway.. but this time, it's different.. hope the elections don't happen soon.. no point, we don't even know who one another are..
looking forward to a slack afternoon tomolo.. hope i won't be alone.. really. juz hate to feel like i have no friends.. cuz i believe i do.. ha.
i realise i'm developing the bad habit of staring at other ppl, like wanting to pick a fight or something... may end up in trouble some day.. if i don't stop... heck.

"And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
I don't know how "

There are times when i wonder whether it's worth it.. for me, the answer is yes...
I may be being selfish, but sometimes when i see others happy, i get more than a tinge of sadness.. but most of the time, when people around are happy, i tend to be too...
Sometimes i wish i could just shout it out loud.. it's tiring.. guess i'll settle soon..

Sometimes, even i find myself wondering wat i'm doing, so don be surprised...
God Bless me, and pple around me...

Quite a good day in school, things getting more fun.. seems like things are becoming better, or so i hope.. ha, should be happy always, life's too short to worry too much.. don noe if i really believe in this but, it's true.. somtimes, i hate myself for being so hesitant, but well.. dance night this friday, would be quite funny.. cuz i asked fabian to join me too, then now he'll be going with his girlfriend.. hmmm, will i be playing gooseberry haha, guess not..
Whoa, i dislike thursdays.. long day.. only fun thing would be pe the last period.. then the usual bball after that.. yeah, the tests next week are constantly on my mind.. shit sux
Btw, i realise that it's actually possible for me to try for captain lah, i think.. that would rock.. wishful thinking.. ha, well, bball would be full of china gias, no good. personally, i don really like china guys who play bball... so wtf.. no offense.
Finger still hurting after i put it under boiling water at the water-cooler(???) at the back of the canteen.. well, i learnt a lesson. If it says hot water, it means hot water.. stupid me...

Another day goes by.. wasting my life away. had a sudden craving of germany food during chem prac today.. haha, good stuff those...
wow, physics test today was a killer... din noe wat the fuck a free body diagram was, so just drew some nonsense shit.. will be an achievement to pass.. and what's more, have to worry about bio AND chem tests next week.. sure die.. really. esp. bio, really bothering me... is it humanly possible to go thru all those chapters in a week.. and only time outside sch.. damn, should have known. But even now that i know, i doubt that i'd do anything for future tests anyway.. so fuck... heck..
guess wat, my project work grp actually bothered to stay back to get some stuff settled... quite on huh.. haha, i mean with me around, of course things will rock.. haha, rite.. we'll see how tomolo goes..

read something about some person saying something about wat men needs..
(i) to feel special
(ii) to fee free
(iii) loyalty
(iv) emotional closeness
found it really true.. that's wat most pple want rite..

Though i'm getting used to it, but i feel really sick when i get daoed, whether it's intentional, though most of the time, i know it's not.. guess i juz hate that crappy feel.
But sometimes i might get a little off too i guess, so i'm in no position to say anything.. sorry.
Anyway, was quite a draining day today, nothing to look forward to i'd say... well, not every day sunday. so wat if it's sunday anyway???

You beat your head upon your wall
You disconnect yourself from it all
'Cause you know that you're so beautiful and so untouchable
And I want to get in so bad, and I don't know how
And I don't know how

GLORY GLORY MAN UNITED~
roxy, man u finally won the title liao.. great. happy. rox. good. the rest of the premiership can just screw off...
champs league next season too..
ok, i hope no one gets kicked out of man u... but they should buy more ppl.. wat i think is they should get ronaldinho.. yeah, he's good.. and maybe a defender.. maybe can take out veron, he's been rather useless anyway... waste 28m pounds.
yeah, nuff bout soccer...

It's been a rather good day. Well, trying to be happier, seem to be succeeding... but am i really happy and stuff? The feeling of emptiness is still there.. looking back, i can't remember wat happened in school today... probably nothing anyway.. ha
Really, i'm trying to get back to a crazier self.. so sorry if i was dao... makes no sense but yeah, i find myself putting up a front these days... just feeling very confused, but better than last week and last last week i guess..
really looking forward to the start of training.. can't wait to play.. being at the nationals last sat, i told myself i would be there next year, this time actually doing the stuff.. yeah..
think bball may take up quite some time.. but i'll make time for other stuff too =)

for ... yeah.. anyway, very tired now, mainly mentally. think i'll take a break for this week and see how i cope..

Give yourself a chance, give me some time. Then we'll see how much we really mean to each other.

So lately, been wondering
Who will be there to take my place
When I'm gone you'll need love
To light the shadows on your face
If a great wave shall fall and fall upon us all
Then between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own

If I could, then I would
I'd go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go

And maybe, I'll find out
A way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days
If a great wave shall fall and fall upon us all
Then I hope there's someone out there
Who can bring me back to you

If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go

Run away with my heart
Run away with my hope
Run away with my love

I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart, in your mind
I'll stay with you for all of time

If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go

If I could turn back time
I'll go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine
I'll go wherever you will go
I'll go wherever you will go

Woke up today with a very very empty feel.. hate it. It's like the bout of emptiness just hit me. shit. well, nothing much happening these days.. Maybe it's because i'm not making anything happen.. Anyway, i realise that every Sunday I eat like the same stuff, char kway tiao at bedok.. maybe it's cuz i's near my place, or maybe cuz my dad likes it.. well, it's ok but i'm getting sick of it liao..haha. stayed home after church to try study.. at least i did the remaining 9 questions of math tut nothing much.. spent most of my time lying on my bed thinking about life and stuff.. really. i've been reading between the lines too much i think..
wah, long week ahead. wary of the physics test on tue. bball should start training. good.

My parents' been unhappy lately cuz they actually think i spend too much time online and out of the house.. well, it actually isn't much at all.. but parents are parents.. sigh.. don want to piss them off too much...